Unconditional Love & Autism - A personal journey

When my daughter was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) at the tender age of 1.5, it felt like my world was falling apart. The uncertainty of what lay ahead plunged me into a cycle of depression, anxiety, and fear. I found myself as the mother of a child on the spectrum, a child who would undoubtedly draw attention and judgement from society. The pressure to answer questions I barely understood sent shivers down my spine.

 In those early days, my daughter was non-verbal, and I grappled with the question my husband posed: "How would her voice be, like Anu?" It was a question that echoed my own uncertainties. The journey kicked off with a series of therapies, a familiar path for many parents of special children. Autism became a constant lens through which I saw my daughter, overshadowing her unique qualities.

Days turned into a marathon, rushing from one therapy session to another, with every minute meticulously planned. The pressure to keep up with this demanding schedule and to answer society's questions took a toll on me. I began to miss seeing the child behind the diagnosis, caught up in thoughts like, "If she weren't on the spectrum, would she act differently?" I vividly remember a day when the weight of it all became too much. I wept, fearing that my daughter might never say those three precious words, "I love you, mamma." The days were a whirlwind of activities, and I felt like I was running a race against time, trying to compensate for perceived lost moments. Frustration and guilt became my companions as I occasionally found myself raising my voice. The justification echoed in my mind: "I am her mother; she will love me no matter what.

It took a moment, a simple scene of my daughter playing in the sun, to make me question the depth of my love. While she giggled in diapers, the realisation hit me: was I truly loving her unconditionally? It dawned on me that I expected her unwavering love while unknowingly imposing conditions on her. I was inadvertently sending the message that she needed to conform to certain behaviours to feel loved – both by me and society.

This revelation shattered me, making me question my role in her journey. I felt lost, unsure of where to begin, drowning in the expectations of the world. The therapists' instructions added to the pressure, hinting that time was slipping away, and my daughter's development was at stake.

But then, a shift occurred. I turned my focus inward and recognized that it was I who needed to change. I needed to remove the lens of autism, to see my child not as an "Autistic Child" but simply as my daughter. I had to unlearn and relearn, setting boundaries against insensitive questions and cultivating an environment of empathy. My world transformed from that moment. I refused to let my daughter internalise the notion that she needed to change to be loved.

I began showing love not just through words but through actions that mirrored the unconditional love I wanted her to feel. My journey became one of understanding, acceptance, and breaking free from societal expectations. In the end, it's not my daughter who needed to change; it was me. And in that change, we found a love that knows no conditions, no boundaries – just the pure, unfiltered love between a mother and her extraordinary child.